


I Can Feel the Draw

by lady_icarus



Series: Days That Bind Us [6]
Category: Bastille (Band)
Genre: B Sides, B Sides to Pulling Me Back, M/M, not a stand alone
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2018-12-26 16:08:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12062454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_icarus/pseuds/lady_icarus
Summary: These are B-sides to "Pulling Me Back". It's time to see Dan's point of view!As is the case with all the fics in this 'verse, it does not function as a stand-alone, and I highly suggest reading the other fics in the series before this one, especially Pulling Me Back. I'm not going to be writing word-for-word every scene from the last fic, but every chapter in this one corresponds to the chapters in Pulling Me Back, so I'm going to be referencing a lot of things that happened in that fic without rewriting the whole scene.





	1. Intro

Dan adored touring.

 

No, really, he did. There was something freeing in putting your soul into a performance night after night, in listening to people singing along with words that he’d written over the years. It was sort of surreal, actually, spending every waking moment either performing or thinking about performing, and as much as he’d shifted to become a proper frontman, somewhere along the way he found himself, as well. He’d found confidence, and peace, and so many things that he’d never even dreamed possible.

 

They’d come up with a system, of sorts. They had to, having spent the last four years touring practically non-stop. This system involved a lot of planning setlists over meals, and then sticking to that setlist with few if any deviations for whatever leg of the tour they were on. It wasn’t a perfect system, but it worked for them. 

 

Dan’s personal system involved a lot more planning than he cared to admit. Usually the night before they left for the next leg of the tour, he would take some sort of sleep aid so he could get a solid night of rest before what could be months of sleepless nights on planes and buses. Which was why he surprised himself that night by foregoing the sleeping pills, flicking on the lamp next to his bed and pulling an old notebook out of his bedside drawer. It had very obviously seen better days, one of the corners having been torn off years ago and each page wrinkled and covered with scribbles or in some instances, food stains. For the most part, all of the scribblings were his own, save for a few notable exceptions. 

 

Dan’s fingers moved over the words, smiling slightly at the now-familiar scrawl of the other pianist for their band. Kyle was so much more than that, though, Dan mused, turning through the pages until he found another with Kyle’s writing on it. He played the piano, sure, but he also played nearly every other instrument known to man, and his baritone gave a depth to Dan’s music that he hadn’t even realized had been lacking. But it was more than just musical ability he contributed; he’d become a muse of sorts over the years, and Dan couldn’t count all the songs that had come into existence because of his relationship with the other. It was almost impossible to believe that it had been over six years since their initial meeting and subsequent… It wasn’t a relationship, not really, but it was so much more than a few weeks of hook-ups or benefits. It was an almost, which somehow managed to be so much worse than a failed relationship. 

 

Dan paused, his fingers tracing over the early drafts of lyrics that had eventually become ‘Fake It’, remembering how excited Kyle had been when presented with the opportunity to tweak it, to make it more than what it had been. They’d all had fears going into this; Dan more than any of them. But they’d taken chances, tried something new with each track they put down over the past six years, and every single time he’d gone on that stage, there had been some sort of risk involved, but he’d still jumped headfirst into it. Every day he took a chance, with music, with their careers, with his own life, and yet.

 

He’d never taken that chance with Kyle. He’d shut it down before they had a chance to properly be anything, and by the time he got around to actually thinking about it, their first album was out and they were touring all the time and Kyle was seeing some girl or other and it became painfully obvious that he’d missed his chance.

 

Things were still good, how could they not be? He and Kyle were still close, sometimes uncomfortably so, and they’d all gotten a taste of success and fame and continued to thrive in the business they’d been so terrified of when starting out, and yet.

 

Dan was still awake at an ungodly hour the night before one of the biggest tours they’d ever done, thinking about what could have been, if only he’d been willing to take that chance. 

 

He flipped through the notebook again, an idea slowly forming in his brain. Changing the setlist last minute was a risk, a major risk that he usually would have never even so much as considered. And if it was just a matter of taking a risk for the good of the band, he wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But the setlist they had planned was perfectly fine; changing it around would likely not affect their band’s trajectory in the slightest. If anything, it would be a detriment for seemingly nothing. But the songs were already starting to take a new order in his head, dancing around in a pattern that was practically a road map of his brain and terrifyingly, his heart. 

 

Dan had never once taken a chance on Kyle. Pressuring him into joining their band hadn’t been much of a risk at all, he’d known from their first meeting that Kyle would be brilliant, a perfect addition. Everything after that had been safe, almost comforting. There was nothing terrifying about being Kyle’s best friend, about pursuing that closeness without touching on that realm of  _ almost  _ that they seemed to live in, and yet. 

 

Dan wiped his palms off on his sweatpants, suddenly nervous as he realized the depth of what he was about to do. Kyle was good at picking up on things. He didn’t doubt that the other would realize the true meaning of the setlist, would realize what Dan was trying to say between the lines. What he did with that knowledge would either make or break everything between them, and that was really what Dan was afraid of losing. If Kyle rejected him, or worse, didn’t realize what he was trying to say at all… it would end the realm of  _ almost _ . It would close that door forever, and Dan… Dan would be fine with it. Closure was good, he reminded himself, gently returning the notebook to his nightstand. 

 

“Wild, Wild World Tour, here we go.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for a panic attack.

Dan really shouldn’t have expected a better reception to his decision to change the setlist, he mused as he stirred the sugar into his third(? fourth?) cup of coffee. The conversation had shifted to something that was a debate on the benefits of bagged milk (something Woody was vehemently opposed to, despite Will’s attempts to convert him to the idea), but Dan had fallen silent, trying to calm down the anxiety that had risen during their prior conversation. 

 

_ “Are you absolutely mental?”  _

 

Woody’s voice echoed in his mind, and he had to remind himself that his friend was coming from a place of kindness and concern, not judgment. Kyle had accepted the change the easiest, which wasn’t a surprise. It seemed he was always backing Dan’s ideas, taking Dan’s side when it felt as though no one else would.

 

_ “We’ll trust your judgment on it.”  _

 

Dan’s knee was still tingling pleasantly from Kyle’s reassuring touch, reminding him of how much he missed the casual contact when they weren’t around each other constantly. Dan considered himself to be fairly comfortable with people, having no issues with stranger’s hands touching him as he wandered through the crowd during a song, or when a particularly enthusiastic fan wanted to embrace him. But there was something about Kyle in particular that always made him feel touch-starved whenever they were apart for more than a day. 

 

He shook his head briefly, then took a long drink from his coffee, trying to refocus his brain on the matter at hand. Despite their initial reactions, the other three seemed fairly open to the idea of playing some of their older songs. And it wasn’t like they hadn’t been playing them over the last few years. Their new album had felt less like a complete shift and more like an evolution, due in part to how they’d recorded the tracks over several years and studios. But there were still songs that Dan had tried to get away from playing live. ‘Grip’ was just one example of several other failed attempts at songs, and ‘The Draw’... as fun as it was to play, it had taken years for Dan to feel comfortable with playing it live, and even then, they didn’t play it all too frequently. Even now, years later, Dan couldn’t help but feel haunted by the memories of its debut performance. 

 

/ / /

 

_ Dan felt as though his soul was about to vibrate out of his body, the anxiety of playing a new song, a song that meant so much to him building until his head threatened to explode with the pressure. He wasn’t sure what he said to the crowd to introduce it, too caught up in trying to calm his racing heart. He chanced a glance over at Kyle and immediately regretted it, the warm encouragement in the other’s eyes almost too much to handle. Dan took a deep breath as the opening parts of the song began, forcing himself to jump in with the initial vocal trills. He’d sang this song nearly a thousand times, between his initial drafts and the practice sessions that lead up to the final recording. But singing it in front of thousands of people was different than singing it in a booth or an empty venue.  _

 

_ Dan was grateful that he’d already established erratic wandering as his version of having a stage presence, but he still found himself struggling to keep his pacing to look leisurely instead of the frantic whirling his feet were attempting. By the time he was through the second verse, he’d ended up on one of the amps, hands gripping the microphone desperately as he tried to remember what notes he was supposed to hit, what words he was supposed to sing. He managed to get something out before panic gripped him, and he found himself nearly dropping the microphone as he folded himself in half, arms dangling loosely down to his toes as his bandmates continued to play. Dan could sense more than he could see Kyle staring at him, and it made him sick, knowing that the anxiety and stress were beating him. He thought he could do it, thought he could sing this song that meant so much more than he could begin to express, and yet here he was, nearly losing it on a stage in front of thousands of people.  _

 

_ Dan stumbled off the amp, nearly losing his balance but catching himself in time to sing again. He forced the notes out, and he knew the strain was obvious in his voice, but he didn’t care, he just wanted it to be over.  _

 

_ Wanting something you couldn’t have was hard enough without having to sing about it, not when the nights that had inspired the song were still fresh in his mind, the pain of regret and things that could have been feeling like a knife through his stomach.  _

 

_ The rest of the song passed by in a blur. He was only vaguely aware of Kyle moving towards him once it was over, tossing something that was either a coin or his guitar pick in his general direction, his voice a balm despite the fact that nothing was registering as words in Dan’s brain. _

 

_ By the time the set was over, Dan was rushing backstage, needing to collect his thoughts, to breathe, to get as far away from it all as he possibly could. He heard Kyle shouting for him, but that only forced him to walk faster, pushing past stage-hands until he found a poorly lit hallway that he could just collapse in. He pulled his knees to his chest, attempting to will his racing heart and erratic breathing to return to normal rates.  _

 

_ Dan wasn’t sure how long he was sitting alone until he wasn’t any longer, Kyle’s hands pulling his hands away from where he’d been attempting to pull his hair out from the roots. It was a terrible nervous habit to have, and he’d been fairly good about breaking it, but everything felt so raw and awful that a sore scalp really wasn’t too bad in comparison.  _

 

_ Kyle’s hands disappeared, and then they were on his shoulders, anchoring him and giving him something solid to focus on through the storm. And that was the worst part, the fact that Kyle was simultaneously his torment and his sanctuary. Not that any of it was Kyle’s fault. He was wonderful, and always kind. No, the fault was entirely Dan’s, and he couldn’t stop the bitter laugh that escaped his chest at Kyle’s words of comfort.  _

 

_ “You’ve got me, you’ve got me.” He knew his words tended to get sing-songy, especially when he was in the throes of anxiety and stress, and he knew that the harsh bite to them was unfair to Kyle, even as he shrugged off the other’s anchoring grip on his shoulders so he could stand. Kyle was saying something, his tone reassuring even as he moved closer towards Dan, but he couldn’t focus on the words, too caught up in his own world.  _

 

_ /This is your own fault. It’s stupid feeling upset. You did this. You can’t change the past, and you can’t blame him for moving on./ He reminded himself, taking a deep breath as he did. Oxygen helped, so he took another deep breath, rolling his shoulders and shrugging as he responded to Kyle’s attempt at comfort. _

 

_ “Not the song.” Dan gave Kyle a brief shrug, knowing that the other would accept the unspoken apology. No, Kyle was right. The song was brilliant. Dan was the one who hadn’t been ready, the reality of baring his heart so much more terrifying than he ever thought it could have been. He knew Kyle wanted to press more, could see the questions on his face, but he couldn’t bear to say more than he already had. It was too raw, too fresh. So instead, he lightened his tone, even going so far as to give Kyle a brief smile before making the appropriate excuses and leaving the hallway, knowing Kyle wouldn’t be too far behind.  _

 

_ There wasn’t much left to be said, regardless. It had been years, there was no reason for Dan to admit anything to the other. _

 

_ “Oh, by the way, I’m still a bit hung up on you after all, and apparently singing the song I wrote about that nearly threw me into a panic attack in front of thousands of people.” Dan snorted quietly to himself as he began untangling the cords for his piano. Woody gave him a questioning look, but he just waved him off, keeping his attention focused on the task of taking down his instrument.  _

 

_ “Just listen to your friends, they only care and hope you’re alright.” _

 

_ Dan looked up at that, meeting Kyle’s gaze as the other rejoined their group. The other pianist started humming quietly to himself, a different song altogether, making Dan wonder if what he’d heard had been real at all, or just a figment of his imagination. Kyle seemed oblivious to his questioning gaze, caught up in his own cord conundrum, and Dan quickly shook his head, trying to clear it as best as he could.  _

 

_ /They only care and hope you’re alright./  _


	3. Chapter 3

Between tripping over his literal feet in an attempt to vault the stage and tripping over his words, Dan was genuinely surprised to have pulled off convincing everyone to give their new set-list a go. Less surprising was the fact that Kyle had his back, in every occasion, keeping him from making too much of a fool of himself. 

 

_ “It’ll work.”  _ Just another shining example of Kyle supporting him, even when the things he suggested didn’t necessarily make sense. For a moment, he almost thought it had clicked with Kyle as he watched the other read over the new setlist and verbalize his support. But that hope had been dashed with  _ ‘That’s what you were going for, right? Musical puzzle pieces, yeah?’ _ ’, and Dan had to tamp down on his disappointment. It had taken him years to get to the point he was at, obviously it was going to take Kyle more than a day to figure out what he was trying to say. They had all the time in the world, Dan reminded himself while snagging another donut. The rest of their group had long since disbanded, needing to handle certain things in order to prepare for their concert that night. 

 

He opened his mouth to ask Kyle if he wanted to help him with soundcheck, but stopped at the look on the other’s face. Whatever he was thinking of, it wasn’t particularly pleasant, and Dan quickly squeezed his shoulder as a silent show of support before wandering off to find Will. 

 

“Soundcheck with me?” He asked hopefully.

 

“Sure, love to. Good practice for when we do Two Evils, right? Should we try that one, or..?”

 

“Sort of wanted to play one of our older ones. You still know bad_news?”

 

“Well enough that I can hear the underscore in your voice when you say it.” Will teased. “Go grab a mic, I’ll be ready in five.”

 

Dan nodded, shooting Will a grateful smile before wandering over to where Kyle was fighting with the sound equipment. 

 

“You alright?”

 

“Why do we have so many damn cords?” Kyle huffed, tossing out what looked like a phone charger. “Honestly, I think half of these are only in here to fuck with us.”

 

“Not… okay, sort of are you alright now, but mostly...earlier? You seemed to be somewhere else.” Dan explained, moving to stand next to him so he could help sort through the cords. A strange expression crossed Kyle’s face at that, and the other quickly cleared his throat. 

 

“Oh, don’t worry about that. Just remembering, um. Things. Break ups, things like that.” 

 

Dan winced at Kyle’s response. Didn’t matter which one he was talking about, Dan could remember each one Kyle had gone through since joining the band, and knew damn well he was at fault for at least half of those endings. 

 

“No, hey. It’s fine now, really. For the best, right?” Kyle reached out, placing a hand on Dan’s shoulder as though to reassure. “This is all… it’s bigger than any of that. The band, the touring, everything. It… it matters more. I don’t regret any of it. I was just thinking, that’s all.”

 

Dan just sighed in response, reaching up to pat Kyle’s hand before pulling away, mic in hand. “If you say so.” He turned to leave, but hesitated, turning back. “You… you know I want you to be happy, right? More than anything?”

 

The look on Kyle’s face was something that might have been a mixture of fondness and confusion. “Course I know that. I’m happy here, with you lot. Wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

 

“For what it’s worth, I wouldn’t either.” Dan smiled before walking away, towards where Will was already waiting for him. 

 

“If I’d known you were going to flirt, I would have taken a coffee break.” He remarked, not removing his attention from tuning his guitar.

 

“I wasn’t flirting, I was just...checking on him.” Dan protested, but it sounded weak even to his own ears. 

 

“Dan, darling. Friend. Haven’t you both been doing this long enough?” Will sighed as he picked at one of the strings, frowning at the sound it made.

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Now hurry and get tuned up, I want to run through the set list at least once before the concert tonight.” 

 

/ / /

  
  


_ Dan tried, he really did, to not smile as Kyle scowled and shoved his phone back into his pocket.  _

 

_ “Everything alright?” He asked, trying to keep his tone as even as he could. _

 

_ “Peachy. She just… wants to talk. But I’m busy.” Kyle waved dismissively, gesturing between the two of them. Woody and Will had long since abandoned their ‘practice session’ to hang out with their respective girlfriends, leaving Dan and Kyle to their companionable silence.  _

 

_ Dan just raised an eyebrow, nodding towards the notebook in his own lap. “I’ve got… loads more work on this song. You’ve got time, if you want to talk to her.” _

 

_ “What, and miss the whole...creative process? Nonsense.” Kyle grinned, flicking Dan’s notebook in reproach. “She can wait, won’t kill her. She knew we were going to be practicing today anyway.” _

 

_ “Not much of a practice when half our band is missing.” Dan pointed out. He didn’t miss the way Kyle’s hand had come to rest on his knee, nor did he miss the way his heart clenched somewhat unpleasantly in response. His fingers twitched, traitors that they were, and he had to keep himself from covering that hand with his own. _

 

_ “Exactly, they abandoned you, I won’t do the same. You need someone to soundboard things off of.  C’mon, let’s hear what you’ve got so far.” _

 

_ Dan immediately shook his head. “I don’t think this one is ever going to be ready for the public.”  _

 

_ “Not with that attitude, it won’t be.” Kyle pointed out, reaching for the bottle of wine that they’d opened nearly an hour before but barely touched. “C’mon, time to get those creative juices flowing.” _

 

_ He didn’t hesitate to accept the offered bottle, taking a long drink before passing it back to Kyle. His eyes followed the motion as Kyle drank, and he was struck with memories, of a time not too long ago when he would have been able to taste the wine off Kyle’s lips. It was those memories that damned him more than anything else in regards to Kyle’s relationships. He was always jealous, always reminiscing on their days of ‘almost’ instead of being happy that the other was able to move on. There were times that he wished he could just forget their not-relationship, torturous as those memories could be at times, knowing that if Kyle could give their friendship a clean slate, he could, too. But then there were moments like these, when they were curled up too close together on a large couch, creating a bubble where there was no room for anything that wasn’t them. These were the moments that captured him, made him lock on to those memories as some form of hope, that maybe, if the timing could ever be right, their almost could evolve into a… a something. Something like this, but something more, too. Something Dan really couldn’t put words to just yet, but whatever it was, it held him tightly. And he held onto it tightly, as well.  _

 

_ Dan sighed, tugging his fingers through his hair as he accepted the bottle again. He passed it back to Kyle, then leaned down to snag his toy keyboard from where it had been abandoned on the floor hours before.  _

 

_ “Alright, you want to hear it so badly. This is… Grip.” _


	4. Chapter 4

The worst part of touring was the lack of sleep. Dan had figured out on their first tour bus, years ago, that he couldn’t sleep on tour buses between the anxiety of touring and the noise of the streets outside and the irresistible pull of his laptop. He’d purposefully loaded it with every episode of Twin Peaks, excited as he was about the upcoming revival, and he waited until everyone else had gone to sleep before pulling up an episode at random. He wasn’t expecting Kyle to still be up, much less to join him on the couch to watch the episode. He only hesitated for a moment before settling back in, eventually curling up with his head in Kyle’s lap.

 

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that Kyle was only half-paying attention as Dan explained the log lady to him, but there was something in his expression that made Dan wonder if maybe, just maybe, he’d figured it out. 

 

“Alright?” He ended up asking, instead of the hundreds of questions that were floating around in his head. 

 

“Never better.” Kyle responded, smiling down at him as though all was right with the world. And in that moment, it was. Even with Will snoring a few feet away from them, and Charlie and Woody seemingly having discourse in their sleep, there was no place that Dan would have rathered be. 

 

Dan grinned and turned back towards the laptop on Kyle’s knees, letting out a sound of approval when Kyle’s hand moved to card through his hair. Moments like these made the insomnia not so bad, when he and Kyle were alone in the silence of the bus, enjoying the casual intimacy it allowed for.

 

It was different this time, more somehow than it had been on previous tours. Maybe it was the fact that Kyle wasn’t currently in a relationship, allowing them to be more affectionate than they had been in the past. Maybe it was all in Dan’s own mind, having reached his own peace in regards to his feelings towards Kyle that was allowing him to actually feel the intimacy of the moment. Whatever it was, he wouldn’t have traded it for the world. 

 

_/_ _/_ _/_

 

_ He probably shouldn’t have drank so much after the show, or before, really, but he was still riding the high of being on tour in America for the first time, and liquor always got rid of the pre and post-show jitters. Woody always gave him a hard time for his ability to drink without a hangover, and even as drunk as he was, he knew tomorrow morning wouldn’t bring him too many difficulties. As it was, he’d gotten the last shower of the night and was stumbling around the tour bus, trying his damnedest not to wake his sleeping bandmates. Dan let out a string of curses when he bumped his shin on what might have been a cabinet, then quickly clapped a hand over his mouth as though he could take back how loud he’d just been.  _

 

_ “Shit, Dan. You alright?” Kyle’s voice filtered through the darkness of the tour bus, and Dan tried to figure out where the voice was coming from until the light of a phone screen told him where Kyle was.  _

 

_ “Fine, fine. Don’t… don’t worry about me.” Dan grinned, squinting against the light until Kyle directed the screen back towards himself, illuminating his face with the glow.  _

 

_ “You’re completely pissed, aren’t you?” _

 

_ “Only a little bit. Or entirely. Probably that last bit.”  _

 

_ Kyle let out what sounded like an exasperated sigh, and Dan meandered towards him until he was able to climb into the other’s bunk. He curled up with a noise of contentment, his nose bumping against Kyle’s shoulder with the movement. _

 

_ “Oi. What are you doing?” _

 

_ “My bunk’s too tall. Yours is shorter.” Dan explained, cracking open an eye to peer up at the other through the darkness. _

 

_ “That would be because you called the top bunk when we started this nonsense, remember?” _

 

_ Dan squinted at him in confusion. “You sure? That doesn’t sound like me at all.” _

 

_ “The hell it doesn’t. God, you’re completely gone, aren’t you? Won’t remember any of this in the morning.” _

 

_ “You won’t remember this….” Dan sang at him, letting out a laugh when Kyle’s hand came to cover his mouth.  _

 

_ “Keep your voice down, don’t wake the others.” He whispered, finally removing his hand once Dan gave a brief nod.  _

 

_ “Sorry, I forget that’s a thing people do. Sleep.”  _

 

_ “I remember a time when you used to sleep pretty soundly.” _

 

_ Dan didn’t say anything for a moment, head spinning as he tried to wrap his head around Kyle’s words. He couldn’t figure out whether he was talking about in general, or about the time… before. When they were… something. Or well, almost something. When they were an ‘almost’. Realizing he wasn’t sure how much time had passed in his silence, Dan curled closer, resting his head on Kyle’s shoulder. The other shifted in the darkness, bringing his arm up to rest on his back, leaving Dan’s face sort of mashed against Kyle’s collarbone, which wasn’t so bad, really. Kyle smelled like the body wash they all used, and sort of woodsy, which was probably from the soap he’d taken to using on his facial hair. It smelled sort of like home, or at least more like home than their bus smelled like, and Dan shifted to press his face into Kyle’s neck, trying to get more of that scent.  _

 

_ “What are you doing?” Kyle asked, his voice sounding somewhat hoarse. _

 

_ “You smell like home.” Dan replied slowly, as if that explained why he was randomly sniffing his bandmate.  _

 

_ “She really wouldn’t like this.” Kyle groaned quietly, almost more to himself than to Dan. All at once, it came crashing into Dan, remembering that Kyle wasn’t his ‘almost’ anymore, he was someone else’s something, and there were reasons why he wasn’t supposed to be so close to the other, and every single one of those reasons had a name. A name he was far too drunk to remember, but he was fairly sure the girl had a name. He’d met her once or twice, he really should be able to remember it.  _

 

_ “I should go.” Dan finally said, moving to peel himself off of Kyle. It surprised him when Kyle’s arm around his back only tightened, keeping him in place. He looked up at the other at that, questions in his gaze that he knew Kyle couldn’t see in the dark. _

 

_ “It’s… it’s fine. Besides, you’re too drunk to make it to your own bunk, right?” _

 

_ Dan hesitated, then slowly nodded, shifting so he was laying on Kyle’s chest again. “Probably.” _

 

_ “And we’ve got a show tomorrow, which you won’t be able to do if you break your ankle trying to climb. Really, it’s for the good of the band that you stay put.” _

 

_ “Right. Right, for the band.” Dan agreed, barely louder than a whisper. Kyle didn’t respond, so Dan just closed his eyes, bringing a hand up to rest on Kyle’s stomach. Kyle’s thumb brushed in small circles on his back, and Dan didn’t comment on that, not wanting to break the spell of whatever it was that was going on between them. He was eventually lulled to sleep by the sound of the Kyle’s breathing, the feeling of the other’s heartbeat underneath his cheek, and the memories of 'almost' playing on repeat in his mind.  _


	5. Chapter 5

Three venues into the tour, and Dan was starting to feel almost hopeful about Kyle understanding what he was trying to say through the changed setlist. Kyle had seemed almost thoughtful during their opening song, his gaze on Dan even through the rest of the set. It was almost terrifying, but not necessarily in a bad way. It was like the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach just before a big drop on a roller coaster, a strange mixture of fear and excitement and elation all at once.

 

Even now, as they were breaking down their instruments after the crowd had filtered out of the venue, Dan could feel Kyle’s eyes on him from across the stage. He looked up from the mess of cords he was attempting to roll, meeting Kyle’s gaze with a slight grin, nodding in acknowledgment before Kyle returned to the task of putting away his keyboard. Dan watched him for a moment, watching skilled fingers move around the complicated set-up that was his keyboard and synthesizer, unplugging cords and wrapping them as he went. It wasn’t the first time Dan had found himself almost enamored with the other’s hands, and he highly doubted it would be the last. 

 

“Need a hand?”

 

“Hm?” Dan was drawn from his not-quite daydream by the sound of a voice behind him, and he turned to see Will moving to crouch next to him. “Oh. Sure, thanks.”

 

“No problem. My instruments are easy enough to pack up. I don’t mind.” He gave a brief smile before setting to the daunting task of de-tangling the mass of cords that had previously been stretched across the stage. “Honestly, I’ve no idea why you volunteered for mic duty. It’s not easy, with five of us now.”

 

“Felt like the right thing to do. It’s bad enough I’ve made you all switch things up with no warning. The least I can do is take the worst of the break-down list.” Dan just shrugged, wrapping the cord he’d managed to free from the tangle.

 

“Been meaning to ask about that, actually. It’s not like you to take such a risk.” He replied casually, almost as though he was discussing the weather. His gaze was sharp, though, as he glanced over at Dan, and the singer gave a long sigh before replying.

 

“Some things… they’re worth the risk. Right?” 

 

“Why do I get the feeling this is about more than just the music?”

 

Dan hesitated, a long pause before he slowly responded. “Because it is. It’s about… it’s how I feel.”

 

“About Kyle.” Will supplied helpfully, ignoring the surprised noise Dan made. “Well, if that’s the case, you know I support you one hundred percent. I just don’t see why you can’t just talk to him about it. He’s been carrying a torch for you for ages.”

 

“No, he hasn’t. He doesn’t… he doesn’t see me like that, not anymore. But it never changed for me. He’s always been something. Something more than just what he is, you know?” Dan shifted his attention to the cords in his hands, not wanting to look at Will as he spoke. 

 

“So your big gesture is spontaneously changing the setlist in the hopes that he’ll be able to read between the lines and understand what you’re trying to say?” Will asked, hints of incredulity in his voice. “Dan… you really should just tell him. Woody and I have been trying to figure it out, too, and we can’t make heads or tails of it even though we’ve known you for years.”

 

“It’s not that hard.” Dan protested, finally looking up. “I mean. Starting off with ‘Send Them Off’ is my… it’s my prayer, you know? That I won’t be jealous of his girlfriends anymore. That I can just be happy with who we are. And then Palmer is… it’s the first song I played for him, you know? I sent him this really short clip even before he was in the band. And then there’s the bit about feeling your heart and all of that.”

 

“I’d almost forgotten about ‘Send Them Off’. You wrote that when Kyle started dating that girl? The one he was with for what, two years?” Will mused, wrapping a strip of red tape around the cord that went with Woody’s microphone. “I always said it wasn’t a coincidence. Woody never believed me.”

 

“...I wasn’t in a particularly good place at the time. Coping through music is sort of all I’ve got.” Dan said, the briefest hint of an apology in his tone. “Which brings us to--”

 

“‘Warmth’, and ‘Snakes’. Which is about the world going to hell and finding comfort in your friends.”

 

“‘Warmth’ is about figuring out ways to react against that, and about running to the person that you love because they’re the perfect distraction. ‘Snakes’ sort of fits with that theme, so I put them together. But it’s also about my general anxiety and stuff like that.” Dan confirmed. “And then ‘Flaws’ ties into the whole. Feelings bit. Wanting to finish what we started and all of that. And ‘Oblivion’ is the follow up, about wanting to grow old together.” 

 

“So how does ‘Lethargy’ fit into how you feel?” Will asked quietly. 

 

“He gave up on us a long time ago, and I know that’s my own fault, but that doesn’t make any of it any easier.” Dan replied, trying his best to keep the bitterness out of his voice.  

 

“And I’m guessing that’s where ‘Things We Lost in the Fire’ comes into play.” Will said, reaching out and squeezing Dan’s shoulder. “I don’t think he meant anything by any of it. I just think… he thought you stopped caring. Things got sort of crazy for us right at the start, yeah? We all got very busy very quickly and… I think it all just sort of got away. From both of you.”

 

“But there’s still that pull. I… I know it’s there for me, and I’d hope it’s still there for him. It’s like… I feel like I’m constantly in his orbit, you know?” Dan said quietly, suddenly fascinated with the cords in his hands. 

 

“Which is why you were willing to play ‘The Draw’ again.” Will said, his face lighting up in realization. 

 

“It all sort of boils down to that.” Dan shrugged, winding the cord around his elbow to help shape it into a loop. “It’s how I feel. It’s how I felt then, why I couldn’t play it for so long, and it’s how I feel now. And then… ‘Bad Blood’ is sort of… it’s my way of saying we have to go forward. Because those days may be over, and we can’t look back or we’ll go insane, but those days still bind us. Together, forever.”

 

“And then we’ve got ‘Four Walls’ and ‘Blame’, which are more of our newer songs, but ‘Blame’ has that… that bit in it, that you both sing.”

 

“I’ve got you, I’ve got you.” Dan sang quietly, a slight grin on his lips. “And sort of… I’m asking him to not blame me, for how things went. And then ‘Of the Night’, it’s.. It’s one of my favorite songs to do, you know? And it reminds me of those early days, when we were all just fucking around and doing covers and mash-ups for fun. And then ‘Fake It’, because we can never go back to those days. We can just… do our best to recreate that magic that we had at first, that we still have.”   
  


“Another nostalgia song, and then… ‘Glory’.” Will paused, looking uncertain. “You always say that one’s more personal for you.”

 

“Not everything had gone to plan, but we made the best of what we had, you know?” Dan replied, clearing his throat when his voice went almost hoarse. “And then ‘Good Grief’ because even though he’s still here, I miss him. I miss what we had, what we ‘almost’ had, all of it.” 

 

Will didn’t speak for a long moment, just offering Dan the blue tape for his microphone cord. “And what if he doesn’t figure any of this out? What then?”

 

Dan just sighed in response. “Then we carry on, as we always have.”

 

/ / /

 

_ Grip. Fucking ‘Grip’. _

 

_ It was only the sixth time they’d performed it, but it wasn’t getting any easier, evidenced now by Dan’s erratic breathing as he clutched his head in his hands, sinking to the floor backstage. He didn’t care who saw him, didn’t care about anything. It felt like his heart was breaking, even though it had been over an hour since he’d sang the song, butchering the key change in a horrifying way, and months since Kyle had started seeing that girl.  _

 

_ “Dan? Jesus, Dan. C’mon, breathe with me.” Kyle’s voice filtered through the throbbing in his head, and Dan glanced up to see the other crouching in front of him. He watched his exaggerated breathing, tried to match it as best as he could, but getting air was almost impossible. Kyle’s hand came to rest at the back of his neck, lightly scratching at the hair there as he continued to breathe.  _

 

_ “Can’t. Can’t breathe.” Dan managed to get out.  _

 

_ “It’s okay, alright? Whatever it is, we’ll fix it, it’ll be alright. We’ve got time, we’ll tweak it some at the next venue. It’s not the end of the world, they loved it, they always do.” Kyle rambled on, and of course, of course he knew exactly what had thrown Dan over the edge, even if he very obviously had no idea why. _

 

_ “It’s not… it won’t…” Dan tried, but no other words came, just another pang in his chest.  _

 

_ Kyle opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by the sound of a buzz coming from his pocket. He let out a curse, pulling his phone out of his jeans and letting out another curse when he saw the name on the screen.  _

 

_ “Shit, it’s--” He cut himself off, shaking his head and thrusting the phone back into his pocket. “Don’t worry about it, it’s alright, I’m here, that’s what matters.” _

 

_ The buzzing continued, and all at once Dan was filled with this horrible feeling. Jealousy, in the worst of ways, and the sound buzzed in his head like a hornets nest, nearly driving him mad with the intensity of it. It cut off for a moment, and Dan barely had a moment to be grateful before it was starting again.  _

 

_ “Go. Go talk to her. I‘m fine.” He managed to get out, pushing Kyle away as gently as he could manage. He forced himself to his feet then, even as wobbly as his legs were, and he forced a smile.  _

 

_ “Dan--” Kyle stopped himself, shaking his head as he pulled his phone out again. “I’m sorry.”  _

 

_ Dan just watched him walk away, waiting until he saw Kyle accept the call before he fell to the ground again, clutching his knees to his chest as though he could will his breathing to return to normal. He wasn’t sure how much time passed before he felt something cold being doused on him and he looked up in annoyance to see Will peering down at him.  _

 

_ “C’mon, it wasn’t that bad.” Will grinned, moving to sit next to him. “‘Pompeii’ wasn’t always perfect, remember?” _

 

_ “It’s not… did you just pour water on me?” Dan asked, his voice hoarse.  _

 

_ “Looked like you needed to cool down.” Will shrugged, pulling a towel out of seemingly nowhere and draping it on Dan’s head. “What’s all this about, anyway?” _

 

_ “Just… hurts too much.” Dan replied, taking the towel and rubbing it roughly over his hair. “I really thought I could do it, you know? I thought it would bring me… closure, or something like that.” _

 

_ “Maybe it didn’t bring you closure because it’s not meant to be closed.” _

 

_ Dan just looked over at Will at that, disbelief on his features. “You’re joking, right? It’s obvious he’s… he’s moved on. I can’t fault him for that. I should… I should just walk away. And that’s what I’m doing. I won’t sing it again.” Even as he spoke, there was something final in his words, obtaining a strange sort of closure even from his own decision.  _

 

_ “Alright… alright. You don’t want to play it anymore, we won’t. We’ll play something else. You can tell everyone before our set tomorrow, and I’ll back you up.” Will offered quietly, reaching out to clasp Dan’s shoulder.  _

 

_ “...thank you.” Dan said quietly. “For… for backing me up, and for...everything else. Thank you.” _

 

_ “Hey. That’s what friends are for. We’ve all got your back, you know. Even him.” Will said, squeezing Dan’s shoulder and nodding towards where Kyle was walking back towards them. Dan shrugged off Will’s grip, moving to stand to his feet.  _

 

_ “Told you I was alright.” Dan said, forcing a smile. “C’mon, we’d better find Woody so we can pack up.” _

 

_ And if his stomach twisted up at Kyle’s look of obvious concern, well. That was his burden to bear, no one else’s.  _


	6. Chapter 6

The thing about being on tour was that Dan found it almost impossible to separate himself from Kyle. They were already so in tune, even when they weren’t living in each other’s pockets, and being on tour only seemed to amplify that. Even now, at a Starbucks in God-Knows-Where, America, Dan felt almost hyper-aware of Kyle’s every move despite the fact that the other was seated completely across the shop.

 

Dan leaned on the counter, trying to focus his attention on the girl working the register. She was talking animatedly about the upcoming Twin Peaks revival, which was ordinarily a topic he’d love nothing more than to engage in, but Kyle’s face had been a strange mixture of emotion since he’d sat down, fingers moving on the table in front of him, and all Dan could do in that moment was wonder what the other was thinking about so seriously.

 

“Er. Sorry. You probably don’t care about my fan theories on Diane.” The girl apologized, clearing her throat awkwardly and drawing Dan’s attention.

 

“No, they’re brilliant, really. I’m sure we’ll get at least some answers once it comes out.” Dan shook his head, giving her an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I’m just a bit out of it.”

 

“Hey, that’s why you’re here. Caffeine can fix that. So what can I get started for you?”

 

Dan had a game he liked to play in coffee shops, especially the various Starbucks chains they tended to gravitate towards. It was a game he’d long since dubbed “Cut Off” as the gist of it was seeing how many espresso shots he could get in one drink before getting cut off by the barista. His personal record was thirteen in one go, but he’d rarely even gotten close to that number as most baristas adhered fairly closely to their company’s policy on not allowing their patrons to overdose on caffeine.

 

“Uh, I’ll have a… venti mocha with five shots of espresso added in, thanks.” He tried, grinning at the cashier’s snort of laughter.

 

“You know it already comes with shots, right?” She asked, eyes twinkling as her fingers hovered over her screen.

 

“I need all the help I can get.” Dan shrugged. “Touring doesn’t do my sleep schedule any favors.”

 

“Neither will a bajillion shots of espresso.” The girl pointed out as she punched in the order. “For the record, if you want a second, you’ll probably need to get one of your friends to order it. I feel like I’d be breaking some company policy, and I kind of need my job.”

 

“Fair.” Dan grinned, pulling a few bills out of his wallet to pay for his drink, then dropping a twenty in the tip jar. 

 

“Oh. Hey, thanks.” She smiled brightly.

 

“Least I can do for, excuse me, a damn fine cup of coffee.” Dan replied, giving her a nod of acknowledgment before wandering over to where Will was waxing poetic about his girlfriend to the barista. Dan smiled and clapped Will on the shoulder, reaching past him to collect his coffee. He wandered around the shop for a moment, passing where Woody, Charlie and Tom were placing bets about the drinks they’d ordered, where a few other members of their crew had started a card game, where their tour manager was tapping away at his cell phone. There was so much going on, even in their down time, and yet it felt like some sort of gravitational pull was drawing him towards the table in the back, where Kyle’s fingers were drumming on the wood of the table. 

 

Dan moved closer, eyebrow raising when he saw the slip of paper stretched out in front of Kyle. It was the same receipt from their first stop, where Dan had carelessly scribbled his ideas for the setlist in the middle of a Tim Hortons after their international flight. Dan watched Kyle for a moment, following the movement of his fingers, letting his brain fill in the spaces with the music he knew Kyle was playing. He took the seat across from Kyle, watching him for a moment longer with a soft smile on his face. When he took the earbud out of Kyle’s ear, it didn’t surprise him in the least to hear the loud chords of ‘Blame’ blasting at him. 

 

“Don’t pin it all on me.” Dan found himself quietly singing along, giving Kyle a teasing smirk. “Are you really listening to our album?”

 

“It’s a good album.” Kyle protested, pausing the music as he did. He looked up at that, and Dan swore he would never get tired of the way his heart skipped a beat every time their eyes met, even now. 

 

“Just. Making sure I’ve got the set down for tonight, is all.” Kyle finally said.

 

“We’ve played it several times already. Think you’ve got it down just fine.” Dan retorted easily as he reached out to steal a sip of the frappuccino Kyle had ordered. Kyle wasn’t normally one for coffee drinks, usually more likely to order a tea, but he’d recently taken to the cold, sugary drinks. This one in particular tasted like marshmallows and chocolate, which Dan assumed identified it as the s’mores frappuccino. He met Kyle’s gaze evenly, refusing to allow the other to back down from telling Dan why he was listening to their music. His expression eventually softened, just as Kyle shrugged and looked away.

 

“I’m trying to figure it out.” Kyle admitted, not looking Dan in the eye as he spoke. Which was probably for the best, given that Dan knew that his own eyes had widened as the other spoke. “There’s something there, I know there is. I know you, Dan, and I know there’s… something.”

 

Dan wasn’t sure how long it took for him to finally respond, brain running a thousand miles a minute as his heart all but leaped in joy. The fact that Kyle was looking, was listening to their music and trying to figure out what Dan was trying to tell him… it had to be a good sign. Kyle had to figure it out, he just had to. And the fact that he was actively trying… Dan refused to take it as anything other than something good.

 

“Well.” He finally said, breaking the silence that had likely stretched between them for far too long. “Let me know if you figure it out, yeah?”

 

Dan could see a thousand emotions flitting over Kyle’s face, everything from frustration to fondness and it made Dan want to reach out and kiss him right then and there, to lay his heart out right in the middle of the Starbucks. But he’d already done that with his music, with their setlist, and all he could do was wait. 

 

“When.” Kyle said suddenly, voice barely audible over the general buzz in the shop behind them. “When I figure it out.”

 

Not for the first time since meeting Kyle, Dan suddenly found himself full of that strange combination of hope and affection, of confidence and optimism and everything else that went along with those emotions. 

 

He opened his mouth to respond, but was saved by Woody’s cry of outrage over his beverage. Which was probably for the best, because in that moment Dan felt he could have poured his heart out, and he wasn’t entirely sure of what exactly he was going to say next. But then he and Kyle were laughing over Woody’s anger, and then Kyle was stealing a sip of Dan’s coffee and then mocking him for the bitter taste, and in that moment Dan knew.

 

Everything would work itself out.

 

_/_ _/_ _/_

 

_ Petit Palais. Paris. _

 

_ One of the most beautiful cities in the world, and not only were they exploring it, they’d gotten the opportunity to play in this small museum. It was beautiful, and everything Dan had ever wanted out of an acoustic session. They were in between recordings, taking a break to rest (and drink wine. Lots of wine). _

 

_ “What’s got you looking so far away?” Kyle asked, passing him the bottle. Dan accepted it, his fingers wrapping around Kyle’s for the briefest moment before Kyle was pulling away, and Dan found himself in sole possession of the bottle. _

 

_ “Just… about how amazing this is. All of it, touring, singing and recording here. All with my favorite people. It’s surreal.” Dan breathed, taking a long drink from the bottle before passing it back to Kyle. He wasn’t entirely sure where Will and Woody had wandered off to, but he found himself almost grateful for their absence as he looked into Kyle’s eyes. These days there always seemed to be something between them. Sure, there’d always been an almost electric energy between them, ever since that first fateful meeting, but now, even years after they’d stopped whatever it was they were doing, the energy was more charged, almost as though their very souls were refusing to let their history die. _

 

_ It killed him. _

 

_ Dan forced himself to look away, nearly missing when Kyle passed the bottle back to him. He didn’t understand how he could...feel so much, while Kyle seemed to be oblivious, unaffected by the energy that was threatening to choke Dan every time they so much as exchanged a glance. _

 

_ “But… it’s good, right? Everything that we’re doing. It’s what we dreamed of, when we started this.” Kyle pointed out, not unkindly but it still managed to somehow sting Dan. Because yes, it was what he dreamed of, doing gigs like this in little places that didn’t usually hear music, spending every day on the road or in a plane or in a basement studio with no windows. But Dan couldn’t deny the fact that it felt wrong, like something was missing. It felt like it should have been...more. _

 

_ “Yeah. Yeah, it’s good.” Dan lied, taking a long drink from the bottle in hopes to drown the bitterness.  _

 

_ It didn’t help. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm not dead!!
> 
> Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. A lot has changed in my life, from finally, finally becoming a Something with my several years long Almost to becoming an indy wrestler to getting fired to going back to work at a bakery to becoming manager of that bakery to retiring from indy wrestling and so on and so forth. It's been a whirlwind, but I am back!
> 
> Also for those of you still keeping up with this verse, I need to know your opinion on something...  
> Back in "Pulling Me Back", Dan said that he'd been in love with Kyle since 2012, when he'd started writing The Draw. What moment do you think caused Dan to realize he was in love?
> 
> Also if you have any flashback scenes you'd like written, let me know! I'm in the process of writing this one so I'm open to suggestions and requests!

**Author's Note:**

> *waves*  
> Hi! I'm back! 
> 
> These are the B sides to Pulling Me Back! I'm not sure how long this will be, or even how many chapters I will have. As of right now, I'm sort of just writing as it comes to me. 
> 
> Also, a casual reminder that I am always open for requests/prompts! You can reach me on tumblr at lady-icarus-in-flight


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